Day 12: Why I Write

What am I supposed to say when I feel I have nothing to write about?

Maybe I should talk about the things I want out of life, or the things I don't want. Maybe I should talk about all the people I've ever loved, or the ones I've envisioned sharing my life with.

Maybe, I should try to explain why I bother writing these posts that I'm not sure anyone actually reads.

I write because I feel that I make more sense on paper than I do when I speak; that I express myself better in written word, and that writing gives me a way to share the things I am not always ready to verbally talk about.
I write because it's a way to get everything out of my head so that I don't have to feel alone in my everyday life- so that I can at least attempt to share my heart with you.

And yet, despite the ability for you to read every post I share, some of you will never really know me.
You'll never know all my quirks, and you'll never see emotions cross my face that reveal a side of me that I don't even get to see.
Some of you will never really know who I am.
In some ways thats comforting- to know I can share my heart and you'll always be objective and unattached.
And in some ways, it's really sad to know that you can never really understand. I want you to understand. You can't hug me on the days when everything sucks (and yet nothing is wrong) and I just need to cry. You can't happy dance with me and hold my hands when my prayers and desires are answered. You won't get it when my thoughts take over- when feelings and fears and dreams that don't get shared with anyone (because they don't make sense even to me) fight for my attention.

I write more than the things I post on this blog. I write things I want to say out loud, but can't put into real words. I write things that are too blunt, too honest, too vulnerable to say out loud.

I write because I want someone to know that they aren't alone. Like when you hear a song and you break down because it put your feelings into words so perfectly and expresses your hurt and sadness and dreams in a way you never could, and finally, someone was able to share what you felt with the world.

I write because I want someone to write about me. I want someone who can write more eloquently than I can to put me into words, to describe me like the narrating characters in books describe the one they love. 

I write- I want to write- about the things people don't want to talk about, don't want to hear, and that some people would puzzle over, like "Katie why do you need to talk about that?" Because I'm human, and things and people and situations cross your mind all the time and you can't ever control it. 

Sometimes I want to name names. I want to share the random things, the uncomfortable things, because I know- I know- that they happen to everyone.  I want to be able to share honestly. 

Let me give you an example: I occasionally have dreams about/involving my ex. Dreams where everything is okay again, and its implied that the things that happened between us were all mistakes, but that they can be fixed.

Some of you may not care. Some of you are making a face at your computer now because "yeah...and?". Some of you know better why that is hard for me. 

Do these dreams mean I'm a freak who hasn't moved on? No, they mean that I'm human and that some days it can still hurt to remember who I've lost. Do these dreams reflect the things I've subconsciously felt and hoped regarding that situation? Maybe. Or maybe they're just random. But I'll be more honest and tell you that these dreams do kind of throw me off sometimes, because these are the dreams that always feel the most realistic, and they make me wonder what would be so hard about making them happen in real life. I wake up disoriented. 

^^Why is that be hard for me to share? Because it's vulnerable. It's awkward. It exposes my mind, and situations that don't make sense. (Also because it's late, and I kind of spill my words when I'm tired). 

I want to be able to share about how I'm afraid of totally screwing up God's plan for my life by making all the wrong mistakes. But also have to remember that nothing can or will get in the way of God's Will for me, and that mistakes are part of the journey. 

I want someone to understand/explain how it's possible for me to meet a guy who is great and who has dreams and goals that are admirable and plans for his life that are totally selfless and driven, and yet not like him as more than a friend. That doesn't make sense in my mind- like, why wouldn't I like him?? I should, but I can't force that. 

Why are these the things so hard to write about? Maybe because I feel that sharing how I'm affected by these things/people/experiences isn't the whole story. I can't share or explain how the other person was affected by one of my decisions, or how it changed their life or impacted their heart. I don't want my sharing with you to hurt or embarrass the person on the other side of the story, and I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to guilt them.

I want to work on being really honest about who I am and how I feel. To be honest without excluding the raw, real details. 

That is why I write. 

I write for myself first, to make sense of what's in my head. And then I write for you, after my feelings make enough sense to put into different words. 

I write to change the endings, fix the mistakes, and give credit to the everyday heroes. 

I write to cope. To process. To celebrate. To understand myself.

I write for us.
For the other people who don't know how to express their thoughts in words. 

For the busy hearts and busy minds- let's share the truths of real life and strengthen each other in the process. There is always someone who has felt or experienced what you are right now. You don't have to keep it to yourself.
That is why I write.

Hope some of that made sense:) Let me know why any of you write, and feel free to give me ideas for future posts.

Merry Christmas everyone!

xoxoxo,

Katie