Today as I was sitting in church, God spoke to my heart. The main idea I got from the lesson was how forgiveness strengthens my relationship with God. When I acknowledge my sin and confess it, asking for forgiveness, that opens up my heart and life to become closer to God. That I and everyone else, am responsible for my own heart. I am responsible for my actions and thoughts, and my attitude.
Through the service (and through many past services), I sat and thought about how this idea applied to people I know. That their sin and mistakes were so obvious, how could they not realize that this message was just for them? I listed out one person's actions in particular in my mind and thought about all the ways they had hurt me; all the things they had done against me and how they had affected me in negative ways. How I had never done anything to them, and that I didn't deserve what had happened to me. That I deserve better.
When we were asked to take a look at our own hearts and the sin in our own lives, my go-to response was ready: "well I haven't done anything wrong." Excuse me? Did I really just think that? You bet. And honestly I have many times before. Maybe not in that obvious a way, but still. Seriously though, throughout my life, when I've been asked to look at my own sin, this is often what I think. And when I personally think this, I am addressing the idea of obvious, sin with intention. When I think I haven't sinned, I am thinking that I have not purposefully gone against God in some physical action.But what about my heart? And the thing that got my attention: what about my attitude? As I'm sitting listing off other's mistakes, what about me? I am responsible for my own heart. Why am I sitting here putting blame onto other people, instead of looking at my own issues?
I was brought to tears when I realized that I was not showing God's love in any way toward the person mentioned above. Many times I accused and blamed this person, only paying attention to how they had hurt me. Only thinking about myself, and how I was affected by their actions. How targeted I was, how broken I was, blah blah blah. How could I be so selfish? I've realized very recently that I need to stop worrying about their actions, and try to understand why they did what they did. I should be looking at their heart and showing compassion. I should be praying for them, and showing them love.
Love. That is where I was/ am lacking with this person. Because I was so focused on healing my own heart, I didn't even think about the hurt and confusion this person may be going through. I cannot judge their motives. I can only love them, even if it has to be from a distance. I have not been kind. I have not been polite, or forgiving, or patient. I have been rude and angry, and quick to blame. While I am not excusing their actions, I have no right to judge them either. I sure wouldn't want to be treated the way I have been treating this person.
I am truly sorry.
I need to take care of my own heart before I go criticizing someone else's.
