What Are Our Desires?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

I have read this many times in my life. Most of those times I heard something to the extent of "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will answer all your prayers" or "and He will give you all the things you want" or "and He will make your dreams come true".  Or some variation of that idea. I can't be the only one; that is what the verse seems to be saying at a first glance. And as a kid, that makes the most sense.

Luke 11:9-10 presents a similar idea : "'So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.'"

Again, a first thought was probably like "So if I pray for it, I'll get it" or "If I look for these friends, or these designer boots I'll get them, because I want them. No; I need them".  Or whatever things we felt was missing from our lives when we read these verses.

First looking at them, these two verses seem to imply that if we pray better or love God better or read our Bibles with more purpose, that God will in-turn love us more and give us everything we want. Which is definitely not the case. Sorry. His love for us never changes- it is always great.

During church a long time ago, the true idea of this Psalm was explained to me/ my class, and it made sense once I heard it. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, we learn His love and truths, and ultimate control and understanding of the whole universe, and we come to know His heart. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He changes the desires of our hearts.He molds our wants and desires, shaping them as we draw near to Him, to look more and more like His desires for our lives. When we delight in the Lord, with our hearts in-line with His and His will for our lives, His desires become our desires.

So when we are close to God, the things He wants for us become what we want as well. Getting the desires of our hearts becomes a whole lot easier when they're not our material desires, and when we remember that God already knows our hearts. <3

I'm Just Katie

I don't know why I am ever surprised at the ways God works.

Just three days ago, I was feeling discouraged about a situation that I felt I was unable to let go of. Go ahead and look back through older posts and see if you can put it together;). I was upset because I was feeling stuck. And I was frustrated because I am not the best, or most experienced, at having to wait for direction.

And so, I wrote. And then the next morning I was with my mom going to yard sales. We talked about what I'd written, and what I was feeling. And while what we were discussing was nothing I hadn't heard or knew for myself, it was refreshing to hear my words reiterated. I think that was just what I needed; not just to talk about what was on my heart, but hearing someone else say it out loud. You know? Knowing that it wasn't just me or my imagination that felt this way or knew these facts. I just needed some back-up. 

But that's not where I'm going with this. 

*Announcement* 

I have let it go. 

*Happy dance*

And it feels so good. But I want to say one very important thing that I believe is the main reason I felt so conflicted. You ready? (Btw, I knew this in my heart for a loong time, but it didn't click until I was able to put it in words). Moving on does not mean you don't care. Letting go doesn't mean I can't be concerned for the aftermath of the situation. But it does mean I'm not letting it control my emotions anymore. Because I'm done. 

If you haven't figured it out, yes, I am talking about the break-up I posted on a few months ago. Let's just be honest here. 

I think that's one thing about losing a friend that people get, but they don't get: You know it will take time to get over it. You do. But let's be honest, you aren't really going to be able to do anything about it until you're so sick of that taking up the majority of your thoughts. It is exhausting. You know the truths you say over and over as you try and move on, but that don't have any meaning until you can live them out; "I don't want to forget"- you won't. "But I don't get how they could just let it end like that"- well they did, and you can't do anything about it. I was so stuck on the memories, that I couldn't accept what I'd been watching happen for months.

I know you know it, too. 

I've known the truth all along. I knew what happened, I knew it wasn't going to change, and I knew I had to get over it. But I was trying so hard to rush it. Obviously it wasn't meant to happen yet, and now it has. I knew it would take time, but man... ugh. You really have to take it one step at a time. You can't move on until you learn and accept other things first (again, look through my posts). 

I feel wonderful. It's a relief to have this portion of my journey over with. That's not to say it wasn't important, because it so was. I have learned more than I ever could have if none of this mess had ever happened. But I think the most satisfying part, is that I can finally say "I am okay". I'm done, and I am okay. I'm okay with what happened and that I don't have to be involved. Most importantly, I think it's safe to say, that I feel okay with just being me again. Throughout these months, I've had to figure out who I am without anyone else; without school or friends or boys. It's all good. I don't need to be 'So&So and Katie', or Cross Country Katie, or Smart Girl Katie. 

I'm just Katie. 

And that's okay. <3

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." ~Psalm 34:4-5

God's Got This

As another late night ( for me anyway) begins, I am again kept awake by my never-ending train of thoughts. The 'what-ifs' and 'whys?' and "why can't I just finally let this go?'. After several minutes of this, I remembered that on many past similar nights, that only thing that could quiet my thoughts was reading my Bible. I never go to one passage in particular, but flip through pages, looking through things I've underlined. And I always find some small, comforting verse that calms my heart (at least enough to fall asleep). Although I've read this many, many times before, a new idea came with Psalm 34:18 : "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". 

Like I said, I've read this many times before and always find some comfort from it. Tonight though I realized in a more firm sense, that God knows our frustrations. He understands how hard it is for us to let certain things go. I find myself upset because I feel like I'm stuck in one spot, or constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. God gets it. Sometimes I feel like I have to let it go. Other times I wonder if I really am supposed to just wait, and maybe that's why I can't let go...? Since I'm not really being pointed in any other direction.

 I pray and pray that I will be able to heal and find strength in certain areas, and still my thoughts always wander back to the questions and memories. But God is walking with me through this, holding my hand. He knows my heart, and my hurt and frustrations. And He most certainly is not upset with me because of where I am. He's not mad because I can't seem to fully trust Him by letting go of these things or people. He's not angry that I can't move on. He is gently waiting for me to learn on my own. Through my small personal dramas, I really am learning. One step at a time (but seriously, these are major baby-steps) I am figuring it out. I just get discouraged because I've never had to wait like this before, for direction or guidance, or just an answer in general. But then again, many things have not touched my heart the way this particular thing has.

God is not tapping His foot and muttering "Come ON Katie, it's not that hard. Let's move it". He's waiting patiently for me. Thanks God.

So, with another mini-revelation, I remember that God has this under control. I shouldn't be so hard on myself because really, I've never done this before. I really am learning as I go.
It's all good.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you". ~Psalm 32:8