Just three days ago, I was feeling discouraged about a situation that I felt I was unable to let go of. Go ahead and look back through older posts and see if you can put it together;). I was upset because I was feeling stuck. And I was frustrated because I am not the best, or most experienced, at having to wait for direction.
And so, I wrote. And then the next morning I was with my mom going to yard sales. We talked about what I'd written, and what I was feeling. And while what we were discussing was nothing I hadn't heard or knew for myself, it was refreshing to hear my words reiterated. I think that was just what I needed; not just to talk about what was on my heart, but hearing someone else say it out loud. You know? Knowing that it wasn't just me or my imagination that felt this way or knew these facts. I just needed some back-up.
But that's not where I'm going with this.
*Announcement*
I have let it go.
*Happy dance*
And it feels so good. But I want to say one very important thing that I believe is the main reason I felt so conflicted. You ready? (Btw, I knew this in my heart for a loong time, but it didn't click until I was able to put it in words). Moving on does not mean you don't care. Letting go doesn't mean I can't be concerned for the aftermath of the situation. But it does mean I'm not letting it control my emotions anymore. Because I'm done.
If you haven't figured it out, yes, I am talking about the break-up I posted on a few months ago. Let's just be honest here.
I think that's one thing about losing a friend that people get, but they don't get: You know it will take time to get over it. You do. But let's be honest, you aren't really going to be able to do anything about it until you're so sick of that taking up the majority of your thoughts. It is exhausting. You know the truths you say over and over as you try and move on, but that don't have any meaning until you can live them out; "I don't want to forget"- you won't. "But I don't get how they could just let it end like that"- well they did, and you can't do anything about it. I was so stuck on the memories, that I couldn't accept what I'd been watching happen for months.
I know you know it, too.
I've known the truth all along. I knew what happened, I knew it wasn't going to change, and I knew I had to get over it. But I was trying so hard to rush it. Obviously it wasn't meant to happen yet, and now it has. I knew it would take time, but man... ugh. You really have to take it one step at a time. You can't move on until you learn and accept other things first (again, look through my posts).
I feel wonderful. It's a relief to have this portion of my journey over with. That's not to say it wasn't important, because it so was. I have learned more than I ever could have if none of this mess had ever happened. But I think the most satisfying part, is that I can finally say "I am okay". I'm done, and I am okay. I'm okay with what happened and that I don't have to be involved. Most importantly, I think it's safe to say, that I feel okay with just being me again. Throughout these months, I've had to figure out who I am without anyone else; without school or friends or boys. It's all good. I don't need to be 'So&So and Katie', or Cross Country Katie, or Smart Girl Katie.
I'm just Katie.
And that's okay. <3
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." ~Psalm 34:4-5
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