Letters

Why do we hold onto things like letters?

I know I held onto mine because I hoped that they would somehow keep me connected to the person who gave them to me. I felt they were keepsakes...memories I would lose if I didn't keep the letters themselves. I guess I felt that keeping them meant there was a chance I might get one more letter someday.

The one thing they did besides strengthen the memories every once in a while, was keep me attached to a situation that has long been in the past.  They kept me...trapped... in a sense, to feelings and thoughts that only make me doubt and wonder what I could've done differently.
Why did I keep these? Aside from photos, they were the most personal items I saved. The only words I could look back on and smile at. But that smile would quickly fade, accompanied by a feeling of sadness for something lost, and I'd put the letters back in their place.

With the sender out of the picture, these letters did not make me happy. They did not reassure me of myself. They didn't really make me feel good at all. They were just a reminder. They reminded me of something I am able to remember without the many pieces of paper in my hands. In a way, I would avoid getting that basket down from my closet, because I knew those letters were in that little box, and I didn't want to be drawn back in to a cycle of questioning. Those letters kept pulling me into the past. That's dangerous.

So I threw them away. Today, almost two years after they didn't matter anymore, I realized they were only hurting me. I couldn't throw them away before now because I just wasn't ready; I can't explain this, but I know if I had done this any sooner I would've regretted it.

I know what those letters said.
The memories are not lost.

But the weight those letters put on me is gone.

 I won't forget anything, really.

I feel better knowing I'm not carrying their weight anymore.