New Site!

Hey everyone!


Just wanted to let you all know I am moved to a new blog site:http://ktupton14.wix.com/graceupongrace

Yay!!! I've been wanting to update my look and set-up, and now I have. There's a tab on that site with all my posts from this blog, so you can come back and read my past posts. I probably won't post too much until I can get some of my own, good quality photos to go with each one, but I will give it a shot.

I hope you all will come with me as I make this transition :)
See you there!

Sniffle, Tear

Sometimes, the tears just come in waves. And you don't know why exactly, but there's no use fighting it because that, honestly, just makes the headache worse.

Tonight I've got a case of something. Not sure what. But it's making me cry. No joke, my eyes are all swollen and my head hurts, and my nose is all stuffed up.

My mama is so good to me, just rubbing my head until I calm down. But then I start crying again, and I hate when she doesn't know I'm still crying so I try to stop.

I don't really know why I'm crying. That's okay. It's been a while since I just let it come.

I learned something important today, that I think a lot of people never quite understand: missing someone and grieving them/their absence is not the same thing.

Maybe I'm crying because I miss some people. Maybe I'm crying because I'm afraid they'll never know it, and because I feel that it's somehow not okay for me to tell them. Maybe I'm crying because I can only hope they miss me too. I don't know.
Maybe I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed by the love of my Jesus, and can't comprehend the entire extravagant meaning of this Easter holiday, and feel so unworthy.
Or I may just be hormonal and tired. You never know. ;)

I feel the need to share this small segment of my night, because I think a lot of people won't ever physically see this part of me. People just don't see me crying- I'm a happy person. I've cried a lot of tears in my life though, and I feel like people think it's wrong to cry, that it's wrong to feel sad. But I believe it's so important to be honest about how we're feeling because so many people cover it up and then wonder why nobody understands them or sees their hurt.

*Breathe* I guess I'll sleep good now! I'm worn out. But you have to cry sometimes or you'll just explode. Don't really have a point here, but what the heck, I needed a blog post anyway.

Goodnight,  everyone.

Question

I've always been a supporter of modesty.
Look in my closet and you will find a sufficient number of stylish shirts, sweaters, or jackets to cover up the not-always-appropriate spaghetti strap tank top.
I don't even own a crop top (but I'm considering buying one to go with my new maxi skirt because I have nothing else to finish the outfit).

I have not always understood everyone's extreme adherence to modesty, because let's be honest: it's pretty subjective, especially when it comes to swimwear.

During high school, I was part of a church where the friends I spent time with were held to a pretty high standard, over and above the 'please no bikinis'  when we would do anything with our youth group involving water games/activities. There were always extra clothes thrown on top of the existing one-piece or tankini.

Now before I state my question, know that I do own two bikinis as well as a tankini and a very cute one-piece, thank you very much. Because I only get invited to go swimming about two times each summer, these are rarely used. But, I can and will wear each one of them if I so choose.
Does that mean I'm not modest? You may think so. I'd argue with you about it if it was 100 degrees outside and there was no one else at the pool to bother looking at me.


Now, here's my question: why is it that guys are not encouraged to wear more modest swimwear, when we girls are expected to dress so that no one may struggle the problem of lust?

Isn't it entirely possible that when a hot guy walks around without his shirt on, a girl could find herself lusting too?

*I personally have no problem with guys not wearing shirts at the pool. I am definitely not complaining when Bradley Cooper's doppelganger walks past me in only swim trunks. But I also have good control over my thoughts, and can keep them from straying.

But really, why are guys held to a different standard?
I totally respect you and whatever you feel the need to wear at the pool or beach. But I don't think we have any reason to be judging each other. When we judge other people based on what they're wearing, that reveals a lot more about our heart and attitude than it will about theirs.

My Main Squeeze

Hello everyone:)

Today is my mommy's birthday.

This lady is my very best friend. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She knows me better than anyone else in this world, and that is partly because I'm just like her. She and I have always be inseparable, and I hope that doesn't ever change.

This is my very favorite picture of us. 

Every since I was a little girl, I've loved my mom the most. I used to have bad separation anxiety whenever she'd try to do something on her own, because I wanted to be with her- I didn't like the thought of her doing things without me. In all my life, she's never talked to me like I was a kid, but always as an equal; I've always felt respected and important because of this attitude I was raised by. While my mom has always been my favorite person, it's only been in the last few years that I really considered her to be my best friend. She always was my best friend, but I didn't always recognize it. Now I do, and I want everyone to know (this is partly thanks to Gilmore Girls). I'm so thankful for her. I want everyone to know that my mom and I love each other, and I want everyone else to love their mom like I love mine.

If you've spent any amount of time with us, you know we're like the same person. And yet, there are certain things we just don't agree on (can't think of many). Even though I've always been like my mom, I still want to be like her as she changes.

My mom is a great example to me. Most importantly, she loves Jesus, and she's raised her babies to know about Him. I remember when I was young, during worship at church, mama's hands were always raised high, and I wanted to be just like that when I was praising Jesus.  I've recently gotten to the point where I'm comfortable with my hands up high too, and I'm glad that that image was never a foreign one to me.

My mama is also one tough cookie. Life has thrown her a lot of crap, and she never let it overcome her. While we all struggle with grief and healing sometimes, and while some seasons of life are longer and drier than others, my mom has always gotten through it with the help of our loving God. I've seen it work for her, and I strive to have that same trust and hope in my own heart.

Last year on her birthday:)

At Designed for Life 

Post-gym selfie ;)

We'd rather be watching Gilmore Girls. 

I always look forward to spending time doing nothing at home with my mom. Many of you know that it takes some convincing to get me to change my mental plans for the day if it requires leaving the house- because that's where I'm comfortable.  

I hope you all realize how big an impact my mom has in my life. I hope she knows that. Words can't express how much I love her, and will always need her (no matter how "grown-up" I become). 

Happy Birthday, mama. Don't ever forget how needed and loved you are. You're my favorite. <3

Boaz: A True Prince Charming

The story of Ruth and Boaz is probably the most well-known "love story" in the Bible. And for good reason: it is a story of true love for God that drives the love we give and receive from those around us.  Boaz is probably the leading example of what girls should want in a man- he is the real deal, a man's man: he is attractive, responsible, respectful (and respected by others), kind, protective, a good provider, and overall swoon-worthy. 

Let's look at a few of his qualities:

Boaz is successful and respected among his community: Boaz was a relative of Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law, and he was "a man of standing" (Ruth 2:1). Boaz owned land, and had people to work the land (2:3) and he treated those workers with kindness, blessing them for their work (2:4). He was a good, fair boss that people liked and respected. Boaz was a man of God, who honored Him through his lifestyle and actions.

Boaz is generous and giving: When he finds out that Ruth has come to his fields to get food, Boaz welcomes her because he wants her to be taken care of there. He looks out for her and has compassion on her as she is trying to provide for herself and Naomi: "So Boaz said to Ruth, 'My daughter, listen to me. Don't go and glean in another field and don't go away from here. Stay with my servant girls. Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled.'" (2:8-9) Not only does Boaz tell Ruth to take whatever she needs after his workers, but he is watching out for her safety as well- if she were to go in any other field she would be harassed in many ways; and he keeps her safe with him instead of letting her wander around in the middle of the night (3:13). He also tells his workers to leave some grain behind them for her to pick up, and not to scold or embarrass her (2:15-16). Boaz is looking out for Ruth because he knows about Ruth's character and effort to take care of her family, and he respects that (2:11-12). 

Boaz doesn't compromise his purity: When Ruth lays down with Boaz on the threshing floor, presenting herself and essentially offering herself to him (physically and symbolically in marriage), she was doing so because Naomi had told her to and she didn't really know better; she was asking Boaz to redeem their family name and land by marrying her (3:7,9). Knowing this, Boaz reacts so so compassionately: "'The Lord bless you, my daughter,' he replied...Although it is true that I am near of kin, there is a kinsman-redeemer nearer than I. Stay here for the night, and in the morning if he wants to redeem, good; let him redeem. But if he is not willing, as surely as the Lord lives I will do it. Lie here until morning'" (3:10-13). Not only does Boaz refuse to disrespect Ruth physically by taking advantage of her 'offer' of marriage, but he reacts with kindness, and allows her to stay with him through the night so that she is safe and not having to travel home through the empty, dangerous land in the middle of the night. Again he is watching out for her safety, and also protecting her from compromising herself physically. 

Boaz pursues Ruth with integrity: Though Boaz was a kinsman-redeemer for Ruth's family, there was a man more closely related to Ruth and Naomi with the same role who was first in line to receive their family and property (3:12). This man had "first dibs" in a sense to acquire Naomi's family land and marry Ruth if he wanted to, so Boaz did the honorable thing and asked this guy (we don't know his name) if he was going to take this role (4:3-4). The guy said yes until he found out that to do so meant he had to marry Ruth (4:5-6)- she was a foreigner and a  Moabite, and the people of Moab were a cursed people- this is why Boaz's treatment of her is so cool. So, because this guy refused the position, Boaz accepted it (4:9-10), and he did so fairly and with accountability from the town elders (4:1-4).  Not only did Boaz follow the culture's rules for marrying, giving another man the chance to receive what was rightfully his, but in doing so he honored the Lord and did not pursue Ruth with deceitful motives.

Through the story of Ruth, Boaz does everything to help, protect, and honor her. He knew that he might not get to marry her, but that didn't stop him from showing her God's love through his actions. 

Boaz didn't chase after Ruth. He pursued the Lord, and the Lord allowed him to marry Ruth. Boaz might have missed out if the first of kin had decided to fulfill his familial duty to Ruth and Naomi, but he was willing to risk that in order to honor God first. He went through the customs with integrity and maturity, and he succeeded in the end. Boaz was an all-around good guy, and I hope to find someone like him someday<3

These snippets of the stories of Joseph, Jacob, and Boaz have encouraged and reminded me that my standards and expectations for relationships are not insignificant or unimportant. All these men loved the Lord with their whole life, and that was reflected in their relationships. I can now know that these qualities are not something I made up in my head, but are what make a relationship awesome and honoring to the Lord.

Thanks for reading!

Jacob: Working for Love

In my last post I shared a piece of the story of Joseph, where Joseph fights to preserve his purity and honor the Lord in his position of increasing power.

Today I will cover a brief section of the story of Jacob, as he works to earn the position of Rachel's husband.

In Genesis 29: 15-28, we see a picture of a man truly smitten: Jacob is in love with Rachel. He works and works to earn the right to marry her, and is not disheartened when his relationship with her is delayed: "Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, 'I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.'...So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Then Jacob said, 'Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her.'" Sadly, Rachel's father tricked Jacob by giving him Leah, the older daughter, because that was custom (vs.26). He then told Jacob that he could have Rachel after all, in exchange for another seven years of work: "And Jacob did so...he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years" (28, 30).

Again: what a guy.

Overall, Jacob worked 14 years to be allowed to marry Rachel. 14 years. He was clearly serious about pursuing her as a wife. Not only did Jacob know what he wanted, he never quit before reaching his end goal. He was willing to wait to marry Rachel, honoring her father's rules and guidelines before he pursued a relationship. He didn't let a delay in receiving Rachel cause him to give up his pursuit of her; he could have very easily given up because things got hard, but God was clearly making him wait, which made the end of 14 years even sweeter for him. Jacob clearly had a work ethic, and a good reputation (vs. 19)- Laban (Rachel's father) preferred to give his daughter to Jacob than to another man.

Ladies, wait for a man who actively pursues you with clear intentions and a pure heart. Wait for a guy who's willing to work for you and willing to wait for you. Look for a guy that wants to honor, protect, and respect you. But most important, wait for a guy who pursues the Lord before he pursues you. If a guy isn't right with God, if his lifestyle does not reflect his love for the Lord, he won't be able to truly honor you in a relationship because his priorities and motives will not be pure. Be willing to wait for a godly man- God will bless your desire to obey and honor Him with your relationships.

Tomorrow, I'll share about Boaz and his heart and desire for Ruth, but more importantly his heart and desire for God.

Joseph: Running from Sin

Many people believe that the Bible doesn't give any pointers or help when it comes to dating and relationships, aside from the command to stay away from dating non-believers (2 Corinthians 6:14). 

Until very recently, I was among that group, thinking, "Welp, I guess this is going to be a trial-and-error process... God I just need you to show me who You have waiting for me so that I don't mess everything up. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm not going to settle for anything or anyone who doesn't love You first and foremost, and has a strong relationship with You. Am I setting my standards too high?"

What are my standards? Well first, whoever I date needs to be a Christian*, and love God above all else. That is absolutely non-negotiable. I would prefer him to be a virgin*, but certain circumstances may allow that to vary (people make mistakes, and if God tells me to be with someone then honestly, this is a relatively minor issue in the scheme of things). No drugs, preferably no alcohol, no smoking, and ideally no criminal record. This all shouldn't be an issue if he is seeking to honor God with his life. I could give you a longer list, but the rest is pretty insignificant. 

I've come to the conclusion that my expectations, especially the most important ones (*), are perfectly sound. And I've realized that these expectations are not random, but are supported in several different Bible stories. The Bible certainly does give us direction on what to look for in a godly partner/spouse, and I'd like to share some examples that really touch my romantic heart. I'm going to begin by sharing about Joseph, and will also go over pieces of the stories of Jacob and Boaz in separate posts.

A few days ago, I was reading in Genesis, and found a piece of the story of Joseph that I'd never read before, and was proud to find (I believe my thoughts were along the lines of "GOOD for you"). In Genesis 39 we're told: "Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, 'Come to bed with me!' But he refused...And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, 'Come to bed with me!' But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house." 

Wow, what a guy. (Sounds like Tim Tebow, huh? ;) ) And what an encouragement- Joseph was in a very powerful position, in charge of his master's entire household, and overall his life was going pretty well at this point ("The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered"), but he didn't let any of it go to his head or to cause pride in his heart. Joseph didn't take advantage of his role in this household, but continued to honor the Lord. He resisted temptation even when it was presented over and over again. He ran away from sin. Joseph knew right and wrong, especially concerning sexual purity. He understood that it was something that can't be compromised. This issue is one that is so often dismissed in today's culture. Purity is seen as unimportant and immature. However the Bible tells us otherwise (more on this Here).  

Joseph provides an awesome example of a man after God's own heart; and a man with a desire to honor God above all else. Most of us know that he went on to become the King of Egypt. He was a successful, attractive man who didn't let life's circumstances get in the way of his relationship with the Lord.

Having expectations that line up with these stories are not unrealistic. Why? Because as you will notice, all these guys that live holy and honorable lives are very close to the Lord. God is their main man. Their relationship with God encourages them to obey His commands and look to serve Him through their actions. This is why they are desirable men: they reflect God's love and priorities with their lives.

I want a man who will fight like Joseph to preserve his purity to the point of physically running away from the temptation to compromise it. A man who understands that God will honor his effort to obey; who understands that saving himself protects me as well, and reveals his willingness to wait for me. 

Tomorrow, I will talk about the qualities found in Jacob when he was pursuing a marriage with Rachel- another example of a man worth waiting for. 

There is None Stronger

Father to the fatherless 

Defender of the weak
Freedom for the prisoner...

You're with us in the wilderness 

Faithful to provide...

Sing out 

Lift your voice and cry out
Awesome is our strong God 

Mighty is our God
Sing out 

Raise your hands and shout out
Awesome is our strong God

Mighty is our God

There is no higher no
There is no greater no
There is none stronger than our God

(Psalm 68:4-5)

As we sang this song in church tonight, my heart was touched.

 I realized that this song, these words, are meant for the world: they are meant for the people of Paris, the Syrian refugees, victims and families of ISIS members, and people around the world who have to watch lives of the innocent be stolen at the hands of evil men. 

In the midst of loss and pain and evil, we must remember that there is none higher, none greater than the God we serve.  

Our God is our Father, He is our Defender, He is our freedom. He is with us in moments of celebration and moments of grief. 

For families of victims of the Paris terror attacks must grieve, children who lost parents - people now fatherless - are still being held by our Lord. 

For Syrian refugees fleeing from their homes, from their country, who are literally wandering in the wilderness. 

God is with them in their wilderness. 

For the victims of ISIS being slaughtered, powerless to the forces around them, God is their defender.

Psalm 34:18-19 tells us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." And that He is "our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

In times of loss and fear, we cannot rely on our own understanding of a situation because we do not see the big picture. We must trust in the Lord (Proverbs 3:5), for victory rests in Him (Proverbs 21:30-31).

This song needs to become our declaration.
We cannot deny the power of our God. He is here, and there is none higher, none greater, none stronger.
God has already defeated sin and death.
We know how this war will end. <3

Fall-la-la

Days like today are so refreshing: Only one class in the morning, no work, rain all day, and time to check things off the to-do list. This is what I think of when I remember fall; fall is cozy and laid-back, and refreshing. Fall is tea, candles, cold weather, warm outfits, and happy. 

I got these candles from Kohls, and yes there's three of them. They are seriously the most relaxing, comforting scent ever- they totally put me at ease. The scent is called "Cozy Home" and is a blend of toasted chestnut, cinnamon, hickory wood, and vanilla. This smell is fall. 

Like I said, today was definitely fall weather- it rained all day. This is probably the lamest and yet hardest thing to deal with when going from class to class. But I pride myself in the ability to shift the placement of my umbrella depending on the direction of the rain. Seriously, when the wind shifts, the umbrella shifts. 

   

While I am not the type of person that is immediately ready for Christmas as soon as Halloween is over, I do like to slowly incorporate some festive accents to my room. I found this little Christmas tree at a yard sale this summer. It has battery powered lights, and I love it, but the cat also loves it and seems to think it tastes very yummy. 

And with cold weather comes fun outfits! :) First time wearing my hat today, and it just makes me smile (I feel like Mary Tyler Moore). Great thing about college is that you can wear hats in class, so if I want, I never have to take it off, which is great because *hat hair*. 

Hoping to post more frequently in the next several weeks, so I'm trying to get back in the writing-mode.

xoxoxo

Katie

The Moon and More

Sweet boy,

Are you ready? Are you ready for me and all my quirks and crazy? I am a girl after all- very different from you boys- so have you prepared yourself to handle me just as I am?

Sometimes I feel that the fact that I can handle myself means I can deal with anything. But that doesn't mean other people know how to handle me. If we think about it though, all people are the same: we need to be handled with care.

I know you have the very best intentions for me. God is keeping me away from those who don't care about my value, safety, and heart.

I want you to know I have very high standards. But I'm not high maintenance. Moments are more important to me than things- that's all you need to know. ;) I am happy sitting on the couch eating mac and cheese and watching our favorite movie while sharing life stories. You're already my favorite, so as long as we're together, what we're doing doesn't really matter.

Sometimes I get discouraged about waiting to meet you, and I feel sad in knowing it's not time for us to be together yet.  So to make myself feel a little better, I go outside and look at the moon. And I realize, even though we are apart, that wherever you are in that moment, if you looked up you'd see the moon too, and somewhere you are with me under that big sky. And knowing we're looking at the same thing, it makes me feel a little less scared, and even more thankful that someday we'll get to look up at the moon together.
And maybe we can even have some mac and cheese.

I know God is preparing me to handle all the boy-ness that you have, because again: you and I are very different. I want to love and understand you without questioning. I want to build you up, and encourage you in faith and love. I want us to love God, love each other, and do life together the best we can. I know God is shaping me right now, and working in my heart to prepare me for you; even if I think I'm ready for our relationship, obviously I'm not because God isn't giving me direction yet. I believe that you're almost ready to show up, and that when you do, it'll just work. We will just click, and we'll know. Because God knows my heart, and He knows I want your companionship. So get ready, because He is working for us. :)

I hope you know that I'm so excited for our encounter to happen. I'm learning a lot about myself as I am waiting for you to come along, and I pray that when we meet we will continue to grow together, and build each other up in love.

Have a great week, love. I pray that God will give you strength to handle the responsibilities and give you rest during your down time. I pray that He will guide us to each other, with peace and not confusion, with clarity and not doubt.

Lovelove,
Katie
xoxoxo

Love is Patient

My Love,

It's hard to wait for you knowing you already love me more than many people I'll ever know. Does that make sense? If I know one thing, our love is a divine love, that God has organized for a special purpose. And if you care for me as much as I do for you, it's understandable why I want to know you so badly. I pray- hope, with all my heart- that when we meet, you will never question my love for you. Please don't ever doubt it. I love you more than I understand...I want to use my love to serve you, and honor you, and encourage you.

I want so badly to know you right now so that I can give you all the love in my heart. But God is making me wait...making us wait. And I don't really know why. Well, I do know why. He's making us wait because we both need to continue to put Him first in every area of our lives. This is a tedious period of time.

I look forward to working through life's struggles and questions with you. I know neither of us is perfect, and we're going to come together with our own burdens and hurt. But I want you to know all the little things about me that you'll only learn from time and experience. Some things can't be explained through words.

Things are so confusing...it hurts when other guys don't even look at or talk to me- when I can walk past hundreds of guys every day and never be acknowledged. But I know that's not because of anything I'm doing wrong. God has put something in me that is keeping all of them away. Like a really subtle man-repellent-guardian-angel who's totally got my back. God's got my back. And your back. You don't have to worry about me, because He's keeping me safe for you. This is hard for me to remember. God is holding my hand every day, guiding me and walking with me, protecting me from so many things that could cause me hurt, and from so many people that could postpone your arrival. This is such a comforting thought. He's saying, "No Katie, he's not My best for you. These aren't The One."

Sometimes I think I'm that maybe I seem unapproachable. But then I realize it's because I am unapproachable. I am already committed to you. So God won't...for whatever reason, these last few days have been harder than others. I will admit that I question why no guy seems to want me. Why everyone seems to have what I want so badly. But then I wonder why I care so much. Why do I want so badly to be wanted? Why do I doubt God's plan? I know you want me. And I know God wants me. I ask that you would pray for me often, as I try to do for you, asking God to give me strength and peace. I need it very much.

God hasn't shown me who you are yet. Maybe you're the guy at school who I share a table with between classes. Or the guy near me at church who seemed really into the story of Ruth and Boaz. Or maybe you're the one who already had one chance, and God's going to heal our story in a crazy way. Maybe I've never seen your face before. Or maybe I've known you for several years.
I think this is where I struggle. The not knowing who to expect. I hope you're looking- watching- for me as diligently as I am for you.  You've been in my heart since I was a little girl, and I'm not going to take you lightly.

So as you close your eyes tonight, drifting into sleep, know that you are on my heart. I pray that you will be encouraged and strengthened.
I love you my sweet boy.
I'll see you soon.


See "Already Loving You" for the previous post.

It's Good

It's only after the fact that I remember I shouldn't try new looks while getting ready for church. This morning I was trying out my new eyeshadow only to realize 'I have no idea what I'm doing'. But I went with it because I didn't have time to take it all off and start over. I guess it didn't turn out as bad as I thought because my mom didn't say anything. ;) 

You know, it's a wonderful feeling to be content. Going through high school, so many things are kind of out of your control and up in the air, and you just don't know what you want or where you're heading- and that's okay. That's how I felt. And really, I still don't know where I'm going. But I know I'm on the right track because I have total peace about what I'm doing. 

It's been a long time since I felt completely content with where I was at, and God has brought me back to that, and I feel so at peace and so thankful. It's hard to describe... I'm excited to be beginning college, excited to be involved in church and serving the Lord, 100% okay with being single, and so so eager to see what God has waiting for me. I just can't explain it. It's like the things that have weighed on me aren't anymore, and I'm learning to go with the flow, and I'm just so excited. Does that make any sense? God has given me a new love for Him, and I'm eager to learn and serve, and... It's just so good. God is so good. He is doing a mighty work, everyone, and you don't want to miss it!

I think I'm becoming that person that wants to tell EVERYONE how great God is, and talk about it all the time. So prepare yourselves :) I am on fire. 

And I really love my mom too. <3 

I guess that's all. Keep your chin up. 

Just Saying

Why is it that no matter how in-shape I get, Jillian Michaels always manages to turn me into a huffing-puffing-mess by the end of the stupid DVD? Also, I don't think I've mentioned it but for the last month and a half (ish), I have been alternating between yoga and running for my workouts. The last couple weeks have been too hot to run, so it's been mostly yoga and I hate to say this but.......I think I'm becoming bored with it. WHICH IS TERRIBLE. Because it's working and it's good, but I haven't been looking forward to it the last several days. So. That's happening. BUT!!! I have lost 8 pounds (at the moment I'm writing this) since I re-started (AGAIN, ugh) my weight/fitness/health goal stuff. I have 8 to go, but I'm feeling confident. On August 10 it will be eight weeks since I started so that's a great pace; hitting at least one pound a week. And we are considering doing a Daniel Fast with our church starting next Monday, so that could speed things along a bit.

So, today seems to be international "handsome boy with a scruffy half-beard walking around so beautifully...WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND day". Does anyone feel my pain? Like, I can enjoy looking at these people but only for a few seconds because I don't want to be killed by the equally beautiful girl right next to him. #thestruggle It's all good- they're probably too old for me anyway right?

Can anyone tell me about Yonanas Machines? I saw them at Sam's today, and heard about them just a couple weeks ago, and I'm fascinated. Is it worth buying? Like, would I use it every day? Let me know if you know, because I'm super curious.

Maybe I'll want to workout if I eat something so I don't feel weak and hungry...What a concept.

I'm re-reading The Fault In Our Stars. Don't question it.

And I don't really know what else to talk about, so I'll leave you all with this: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." ~C.S. Lewis

xoxoxo,

Katie

Mental Rambling

To be totally honest, I feel like my life is super boring. I feel like I should have all these thing to write about... If you have any topics or ideas let me know!!

But anyway, I'm totally ready for fall. If it wasn't official before, it is now. Why is that? Well I just drank two cups of tea in a row even though its a thousand degrees outside. And I'm burning my fall candle. And I just really want to wear my warm jammies and snuggles up with blankets, and... yes. My Pinterest is transforming to FALL EVERYTHING before my very eyes. If you want you can follow me ;) @godgirl1  is my screen name, and because this is the Internet and I hope to someday have more than 12 people reading my posts, I'm not going to put my last name up for everyone to see and for bad guys to stalk me. Not that they would because I'm super boring. But I'm nice right? That counts for something.

I donated blood today, so that's cool. Got a free t-shirt and a couple baseball tickets. Oh, and I ran on the treadmill this morning. That went well... I've been alternating between yoga (I do the Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown)and running, and as long as I'm eating healthy foods, and working out most days, it has worked at slimming and toning my little self. Which is fabulous because that is the goal.  Think it's easy enough to stick with, so hopefully I... will stick with it. Obviously.

My candle is working guys. My room smells fabulous.
I've been wearing sunscreen more often recently, because it's good to do. Even when I don't put it on my body I try and put it on my hands, because -I have a confession- I am paranoid about getting premature spotty, wrinkly old-hands. I have a feeling I am the only one, too. So, I may ask for more for Christmas. I have a weird love for sunscreen, even though up until now I almost never wore it.

Oh!! And you know how people who smoke get prominent wrinkles around their mouth from sucking death into their lungs through their cigarettes? Is it crazy weird that I'm kind of afraid that will happen from drinking my Camelbak ALL THE TIME? I mean, it's the same concept and like facial motions, but... I don't know. This is a legitimate concern...but I love my Camelbak more than many things so it won't stop me...unless I'm right. Maybe.
And in case you didn't know, I'm addicted to chocolate and need to ban it from my life completely because I have no self-control when it comes to chocolate and it is going to make me obese.

So, if you read up to this point, thank you, because these are the things that go through my mind but that I don't think most people care to know. Congrats.

xoxoxo,
Katie

Already Loving You

There is a guy out in the world that has my whole heart.
I have loved him since I was a little girl, before I fully understood what real love is.
I've envisioned our life together. He is a part of all my dreams and plans.
He is my best friend, my safe place, my encourager. He is my favorite comedian, partner in crime, and my other half.
And I am so excited for what our future holds.

But, as I'm writing this, there is a chance I've still not met him.
That's right- this guy is most likely a total stranger. Or I might know him well. But that doesn't change the way I've always felt about him in my heart.

Whoever you are, know I'm waiting for you, excitedly anticipating your arrival in my life.

I don't know what to write that may help you understand my heart...

God created the two of us and smiled because He knew- He knew the adventures we would have together. He's waiting to give me you until the perfect time.

I really want to let you know one thing:
I'm already loving you.
I know you're out there, and you're more than I've ever dreamed. And when the time comes, you will become an amazing husband and father.

Know that I've always loved you.
I believe God has put such a strong desire for love in my heart so that I'll know it's the real-deal when our stories finally combine.
God is saving us for each other. Don't be discouraged, and don't doubt His plan. I know it's frustrating to not understand what our futures hold. But I'm not going anywhere that will be too far for you to reach me.

Finding each other will not/has not been a fast or simple journey. But I know it will be worth it.

We may not know the significance of our meeting until long after the fact. And if I'm honest, I probably won't make it easy for you to capture my heart at first. I'll conceal the strength of my feelings until I'm sure God's giving me a thumbs-up. I'll probably make you work at it and prove yourself and wait for me before I'm sure you're a safe place. But I promise that once you're in, you're in for good. You'll be my one and only, and I will do my very best to make sure you never question that fact. I will never let go of you. I will be by your side through everything, because life is an adventure I want to explore with you. Together we will work to further God's kingdom, in better ways than we could've done on our own.

I promise to be your loudest cheerleader and biggest encourager.

I will sing you love-songs during car rides.
I will make you delicious sandwiches when you're hungry, and when you're not.
I will watch sports with you, as long as you're willing to explain them to me as we go.
I will watch superhero-fighting-action-guy movies with you.
I will let you win when we arm-wrestle. Lol, you'll always win, I know that right now.
I will make sure we have plenty of blankets when it's cold so that I won't accidentally steal yours.
I will do your laundry with lots of love thrown-in for extra softness.
I will support your dreams. And help you face your fears.
I will kiss your owies.
I will pester you and bug you until we catch the giggles and can't go to sleep because everything's hilarious.
I will pray for you.
I will keep your love safe.
I will love you forever.

I pray that God will be your strength when you're discouraged or confused. That you will look to Him for guidance and comfort. That He will #1 in your life, and that I will always be #2 even if for now I'm just in your heart. I pray that you will not forget you are a Child of God, and that you will always remember that you are His.

I can't wait to meet you, whoever you are. You may even get another blog post if I think of anything to add. ;)

xoxoxo,
Katie

Letters

Why do we hold onto things like letters?

I know I held onto mine because I hoped that they would somehow keep me connected to the person who gave them to me. I felt they were keepsakes...memories I would lose if I didn't keep the letters themselves. I guess I felt that keeping them meant there was a chance I might get one more letter someday.

The one thing they did besides strengthen the memories every once in a while, was keep me attached to a situation that has long been in the past.  They kept me...trapped... in a sense, to feelings and thoughts that only make me doubt and wonder what I could've done differently.
Why did I keep these? Aside from photos, they were the most personal items I saved. The only words I could look back on and smile at. But that smile would quickly fade, accompanied by a feeling of sadness for something lost, and I'd put the letters back in their place.

With the sender out of the picture, these letters did not make me happy. They did not reassure me of myself. They didn't really make me feel good at all. They were just a reminder. They reminded me of something I am able to remember without the many pieces of paper in my hands. In a way, I would avoid getting that basket down from my closet, because I knew those letters were in that little box, and I didn't want to be drawn back in to a cycle of questioning. Those letters kept pulling me into the past. That's dangerous.

So I threw them away. Today, almost two years after they didn't matter anymore, I realized they were only hurting me. I couldn't throw them away before now because I just wasn't ready; I can't explain this, but I know if I had done this any sooner I would've regretted it.

I know what those letters said.
The memories are not lost.

But the weight those letters put on me is gone.

 I won't forget anything, really.

I feel better knowing I'm not carrying their weight anymore.

Monday Funday

Made it back to the gym this morning- thank goodness- and focused primarily on legs, because I am able to focus more on my arms at home during off-days. Got in almost everything I wanted to do in an hour then had to pick up my brother from Cross Country practice.

 

All of my names/labels may not make sense because I tend to make up my own. But feel accomplished and fit, and thankful that I'm healthy. 

After a shower and lunch, mom and I did a couple errands- OH! Okay. There is a very attractive new guy at SAM's club. But I have dibs so don't even think about it. ;) Jk, but seriously. He made the whole trip much more pleasant. 

Poppy and I (and Perry the Platypus) spent a few minutes outside reading while mom planted some Hydrangeas. It's a beautiful day out, and if I'm honest I spend too much time inside. I just started reading Sarah Dessen's new book Saint Anything. I love all of her books and am excited for this one. 

There's something about working out early in the morning that makes me starving all day... *the struggle*

Got to enjoy our new grill this beautiful evening by cooking turkey burgers. And we have a new addition to our family, Pierpont (anyone know that name? ;) ). He is feeling very patriotic. 

I'm going to go eat and read through my new Teen Vogue, because I'm still starving and duh I have my new Teen Vogue. 

Have a great night:)

xoxo,

Katie 

Sugar Lows

Well, I will be the first to tell you that while I love sleepovers. I never function well afterward, which is why I don't go to/ host sleepovers very often. This is not to say I don't want to ever be invited. I just always figure if you're going to go through a sleepover, you have to do it right, which means junk food and late-night chatting.

I am currently coming out of a functioning (barely?) sugar-coma. I think. Had a friend spend the night last night, and not only did we stay up until about 2 o'clock (which is not late compared to past sleepovers), but I ate one bowl of the mac and cheese that we had for dinner, four s'mores with nutella instead of regular chocolate, half a bag of kettle corn, four pancakes for breakfast, and a cinnamon pretzel. Because if you're gonna go, you better go hard, right? Or not because this friend o' mine only had ONE s'more and ONE pancake. Kudos for the self-control.

I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I pigged-out, because I made the choice and it really is part of the experience. But I do question why I let myself eat like that when I know how it makes me feel afterward. This sugar overload combined with the variance from my normal sleep routine just hits me really hard, and builds potential for becoming grumpy Katie. You can even take out the sugar part, and just change up my sleep, and my body simply doesn't react well. Which is why i don't stay up late or eat tons of junk food. Don't keep questioning it unless you want to experience the aftermath yourself.

Because I love my friends and want them to stay my friends, I believe these sleepovers are a necessary part of good bonding. Which is why I will have at least a few more this summer. It is summer after all, so who cares if you're a little tired? Ugh, I care that's who. Anyway, I'm trying not to let myself feel as full and chubby as I should because that just makes me frustrated. Maybe I'll go eat some carrots. Lol.

xoxo,
Katie

Just Do It

Okay, so it turns out my mom and I were both a bit more sore than we expected yesterday morning, so we took the day off to prevent our eager selves from overdoing it. We did kill it today though. And are already noticeably more tender than Monday afternoon.

Because I tend to focus more on my lower-body when I exercise (I feel my legs are a lot stronger and have better endurance than my upper-body), today was almost entirely arm work. And the fact that my entire upper-body feels so heavy must mean something worked, right? Ugh. In addition to the arm work, I also did ab work, about 15 minutes on the elliptical, box jumps ( I LOVE box jumps), and some leg extension press thingies.

Any-hoo, I'm trying really hard to get some definition in my arms. This however is a struggle because the process makes my shoulders (my traps, primarily) super bulky. Do you see^^ what I mean? This picture is kinda awko-taco, but. I have thick, slope-y shoulders. And I have a feeling I can't do anything about them. Soooooo, I'm just gonna go with it, because embracing yourself is always a good idea. (P.S. If anyone knows how to minimize my shoulder-bulk, *please* let me know.  I will love you forever).
One reason I enjoy working out in the morning is because it keeps me from eating junk the rest of the day. When my body's a bit sore every time I get up to eat, I remember that I'm fueling my body, and that keeps me on the right track. I've noticed too that since I've been eating better, there's more of a visible difference (to me at least) in my thighs/quads than in my torso. But there is progress overall that I am happy to see. I love that when I eat well, my body feels better and tighter even if it doesn't look better.

Will either be back at the gym tomorrow or Friday depending on how much we're hurtin'. I'm planning on running whatever day we take off though, cause I still have to fit in some cardio.

Starting Strong

Today was my first free day since I officially finished school! Yaaaaay :) Let me tell you, the freedom of not *having* to do anything is just so wonderful. But, not to worry because I did actually do things today! I love getting to just see what the day has for me. And I plan on being relaxed-productive throughout my summer so it's gonna be awesome.

First: Woke up early to go to the gym with my mom. This happened because we had to get my brother to school anyway, and always figure we might as well make the most of the trip. I will say it was pretty great; I felt more productive than usual, and I am crediting this to the fact that I wrote down what I wanted to actually get through during my workout, instead of just winging it. Also, I haven't gotten to go to the gym since probably Spring Break, and it was nice to get back in the groove. I will, WILL, make this a regular occurrence. It's so much easier when I get to go with my mama, because seriously, how hard is it to get up and go by yourself.

    

Amusing attempts to take a selfie^ once I was almost finished working-out, lol. But my eyebrows look great, wouldn't you say? The middle picture is all I got done, with reps and sets. I'll probably be a bit sore tomorrow, but I can't tell yet because at this point I still feel fine. 

We then proceeded to go to Sam's Club- surprise, surprise. This is nothing new. After that, we went home where we had a yummy mid-morning-lunch-thing. Then I vacuumed the house because I was supposed to do that Saturday but was busy doing things out-and-about. Got the backyard mowed, and then showered, had lunch...I spent like an hour and a half on Youtube when I could have been taking a nap, but whatevs (will probably get back on again). Watched some t.v. and ate more food because my body is crazy and that's all I have to say.

At this point, I still need to have dinner, and will probably scroll Pinterest and maybe journal a bit. Should finish my library book because it was actually due yesterday...

I hope to do more quick, daily posts like this one, updating about my days and routines, and just talk about how life's going. I also need suggestions for future post ideas. Lemme know what you think.

XOXO,
Katie